Sergio Peralta

Sometimes it just happens. You find yourself gazing off into the distance, day dreaming. For all intents and purposes however, the thoughts you are creating feel all too real.

In a moments notice, a thought once placed upon the back burner of your left side brain emerges to the surface. A memory. At first you seemed relieved that you didn’t completely forget, but soon enough the memory begins to itch. It itches an indescribable itch and before too long you scratch it. Wether it be metaphorical in state, scratching an itch is never a good idea of course.

With the initial scratch more memories make themselves present. It is a vicious cycle that perpetuates pleasure and pain. The first memory was of a good time, a pleasant enough day much like today. You remember looking at her, and in the reflection of her eyes you saw yourself. With no context included one would assume it a move of shallow vanity but this was not something that could be judged with a mere glance.

You saw yourself in her eyes much like a mirror. Everyone draws some sort self judgement when you they look at themselves in a mirror, but this reflection was pure and untainted. Within her eyes there wasn’t the slightest hint of judgement or contempt.

You recall staring into her eyes for what seemed like a brief moment but, in reality, it had been a tad too long. You remember her placing a loose strand of her dark brown hair behind her ear as she met your gaze and bashfully demanded “Stop, staring at me dork.” as her lips formed a slight but sincere smile.

You remember her looking down at her notebook as she jotted away notes for her accounting midterm in a few days. You had promised that you’d study with her but wether it be by folly or serendipitous distraction you could never keep the focus on classwork. You stare at her, but only for a few seconds this time, as you let out your own slight smile, shake your head, and look back down at your own notes.

Much like in a dream, the scene changes with various aspects of the world around you altered and distorted. You can remember the main points, the beginning middle and the end, but there are bits that become fuzzy.

As the fog clears you realize this is another memory. A memory you had attempted to shake out of your mind time and time again with poor results. Over time you had come to terms that some memories create a permanent residence within the confines of your mind and you are hopeless to evict them.

You remember the both of you arguing over the phone. There was screaming and yelling on both ends. On her side she seemed more concerned and worried about the state of things but you did nothing to ease the tension. She pleaded for you to calm down but as stubborn as you can be at times you just yelled more.

You could her her voice breaking over the line. The intense array of emotions have gotten to her and you’ve made her feel incapable of making anything better. You know you fucked up but you don’t have the decency to let her know that.

You curtly tell her that you’ve has enough of this and you hang up. She calls back multiple times but you ignore every call. She texts you that she’s sorry, even though you knew it was you who took things too far. She’s begging you to talk to her but your idiocy knows no bounds.

The time it took for you to jump from one memory to another took only a fraction of a fraction of a second, but in real time the temporal space between the two memories were actually a few months. Still, you think to yourself, how did it all go so bad in just a few months? Why did this happen? What could I have done to avoid this?

For a brief moment you recall the final day you two were together as a couple. You remember the big fight you had in the morning of what started off as a pleasant enough day much like today. You remember calling her after class. You remember…

Professor: Are you paying attention?

You: What?

Professor: Did you hear what I just said?

You: Uh, yeah, well… no. I was…

Professor: Pay attention, I will not be repeating this again.

You: Ok, sorry.

And just like that you are sucked back into the real world. Those few moments you had for yourself to think have been paused, but just for now. You know that memories are something that can bring you little pieces of heaven wherever you are but, at the same time, they can itch away… little… by… little.